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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house