Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Maths meets science
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes