Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.