In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I finally found a reason to live again.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.