Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.