Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what