Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.