Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep