Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok