Haha good job!!
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
The Punning Dead.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.