One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
You Might Also Like
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
A new level of troll.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.