Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke