Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs