I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period