[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
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[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
FINE, I WON’T.