First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
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I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”