for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister