Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
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me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
In space, no one can hear…
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
won’t smith
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”