Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
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Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
You better watch out
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.