[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)