remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Trumpy Cat
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.