[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?