Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.