One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Ferrari squats
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist