BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My favorite farside!!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.