90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
mumsnet is amazing
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”