Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Sorry not sorry.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.