when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.