I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
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At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science