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Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.