I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.