”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
When news reporters do sports stories
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
HELP 😭
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.