My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
You Might Also Like
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Stop sending me this shit.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.