Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?