You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.