All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
You Might Also Like
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?