Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.