Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.