Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”