Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Goodnight 🐶
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
back to work
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*