I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
🙅🏻
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account