Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
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If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”