A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go