Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The only equipped I am is ill.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now