My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
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My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
🤣
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Google assistant rules
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?