Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Basketball
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Okey dokey.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.