The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I’m sorry…what?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]