Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
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My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.