This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.