You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
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Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.